Beware the Hyperbole

Recently, I was reading the opening of what I thought was an article in Fast Company.  After re-reading the first paragraph several times trying to make sense of it, I stopped to check the byline, thinking "this is not typical Fast Company style; there is way too much hyperbole." 

Ha - no buy line, but there was a subtle notice at the top "Special Advertising Section".  You almost fooled me, Montreal.  I might have read the "article" if you hadn't worked so hard to convince me how awesome you were in a single, convoluted sentence.

Where My Head Spins Around

While I am not a subscriber, I am a big fan of The Economist. I'd subscribe, but even when I was spending a fair amount of time on planes, I still couldn't keep up. I do follow them on Twitter, so I catch some info. I'm still mulling over the article comparing the response of the governments of Iceland and Greece to the economic crisis and the very different results. (hint, maybe the Euro wasn't the greatest idea ever)

Anyway, imagine my distress when I caught The Economist, that bastion of erudite examination of global politics and policy, quoting Britney Spears....

Yeah, I may be traumatized for life.

RUDE. RUDE. RUDE.

While I (almost) never actually talk to telemarketers, I'll usually talk to pollsters or people doing market surveys. But, I had an experience last night that may result in me never answering my land line at all. (It's not like anyone I actually WANT to talk to even has the number.)

Someone called for my opinion about Harris County politics and I asked how long the survey would take. A reasonable question, I think. Typically, they'll say 5 minutes or no more than 15, usually inaccurate. But hey, how many people would actually agree if they were honest and said 30 minutes?

This time the guy said (I kid you not) "Well, it depends on how you answer, but you're the one holding the phone and you can hang up whenever you want." Huh? I let that slide partly because I couldn't believe he actually said that and partly because I couldn't believe he didn't realize how rude that sounded. (Boy was I wrong.)

I just sort of laughed and said, "well, you've caught me having just poured milk on my cereal.(actually true)." At which point, he interrupted me to say (I couldn't make this stuff up!)

"The last time I ate cereal it only took one hand."

I actually pulled the phone away from my ear and looked at it. (I'm not sure what I was looking for) Here is some guy who called my unlisted phone number after 9:00 p.m.to basically ask me to do him a favor, so he can get paid and he's being a complete and utter a$$.

So, I did something I almost never do. I hung up on him. Not another word, not so much as a good bye. Just click.

In the the split second before I hung up, one clever comeback ran through my head:

"Well, while I'm sure this isn't a problem for you, but I wouldn't want to be rude and crunch in your ear."

Right on the heels of that thought, though, was the realization it would probably have gone right over his head. So, CLICK.

I'm sure he complains constantly to anyone who will listen to him about all the awful people who hang up on him.

The Hangover Part II

Bangkok. A monkey. A genius 16 year-old-soon-to-be-brother-in-law. Not sure there's really too much else to say...at least without giving anything away.

The movie is hilarious, hysterical and deeply disturbing on so many levels. It is a rollicking good time, laugh-out-loud funny and cringe including (more than once). It also may be the dirtiest movie I've seen since I made the mistake of renting The Tailor of Panama, which I did NOT enjoy. ICK.

If you enjoyed the first Hangover, you'll love this one. If you're easily (or even medium-easily) offended, you probably want to skip it.

The only fly-in-ointment was the four year old in the row behind us (not his fault). Karma is a b*tch, though. When you take your very young child to a wildly inappropriate movie you deserve when they ask "what's that monkey doing?" Wish I could be a fly on wall when he keeps asking about that scene, or the one in the strip club or if he repeats any one of the many, many colorful words that appear frequently throughout the movie.

The 24-Hour Newscycle & The Death of Journalism

A bit of an overstatement, maybe, but as I was watching FoxNews (I know, believe me, it was NOT my idea, the TV in the break area is set to FoxNews) I witnessed yet another pathetic example of continuous coverage letting people talk even when they have nothing intelligent to say.

Two women, supposed professionals, were criticizing the SEAL team that took out bin Laden for not taking his wife into custody. I don't know whether they should have taken her or not, but listening to these women state with absolute certainty that they should have and refute the explanation for why they hadn't almost made my head explode.

Their brilliance:

1) "She's not very big, she couldn't weigh more than 100 lbs."

Really? Maybe they have a picture they're not showing, but the one on the screen shows a woman from the neck up, veiled with a black bar across her eyes. You can only see about one inch of forehead and maybe two inches of nose and chin. There is no way to know how much she weighs and since she isn't exactly rockin' stellar cheekbones, anything goes.

2) "There's always room for one more when I'm driving the kids around."

Drive your kids around in a helicopter much? I'll concede when driving in a car, it is possible to cram a lot of people in a small space. (Personal best, 8 people + driver in a taxi ({sedan}) I'm not an aviation expert and I've never flown a helicopter (or flown in one, for that matter), but I have a sneaking suspicion that the total amount of weight in the helicopter might factor in to the pilot's ability to get said 'copter off the ground successfully, but what do I know?

Please, for the love of ...... If you don't have something intelligent to say go back to yammering about celebrities. I don't really care if you make sense or not when you're doing your daily Lindsay Lohan update.

Seriously?

There are some things that I don't think you should have to tell grown people. For instance, that it is not appropriate to wring out your bathing suit as you walk across the locker room floor, leaving a river of water in your wake.

Are these people raised by wolves?

White Elephant Gift Exchange Gone Wrong

Whether you call it a White Elephant or Dirty Santa Gift Exchange the game is popular at holiday parties and usually a lot of fun. Some embrace the tradition of the old fashioned "white elephant" gift (e.g. crap) others involve real presents, usually with a price limit specified. Either way, typically, it's a lot of fun.

Granted whatever the type of present involved there's a bit of self-imposed pressure to bring a good gift. Everyone wants the gift they brought to be stolen at least once and it's a lot of fun to bring the gift that everyone wants. It's less fun to have brought the gift that clearly no one wants, but usually everyone has a lot of fun or at least has the good manners to pretend they did.

Until last night. There's always someone in the group who takes it a little too seriously, feels the need to correct the host as they explain the rules, makes sure everyone knows as soon as each gift is "locked" or gets huffy when a gift they really wanted is stolen from them. But last night set a new standard for bad behavior. One couple at the party didn't understand that this was a real gift exchange not a gag gift exchange. So, the items they brought didn't quite fit in with the rest of the stuff. Okay, so a couple of people are going end up with less than fantastic presents. Not exactly a tragedy. The hostess actually opened one of these presents, played it off beautifully, gave the giver in question an appropriate of grief, the giver apologized and explained they had not understood the intent of this particular exchange. No harm, no foul, right?

Not to fast. There was one couple at the party who had been vocal from the beginning, jumping in during the explanation of the rules, keeping track for everyone what was "frozen", etc. Well, the woman proceeded to harangue the person who brought the gag gifts, pointing out the gifts didn't fit in to the price parameters and that information as on the invitation, etc. She would not let it go. It was ridiculous. I have never seen a grown up behave so badly over something so completely silly. Yes, her husband did not get an awesome present, but she walked away with a very nice bottle of vodka. And again, the purpose of these things is to have fun, right? It's not really about the gift itself, usually something given by a stranger or casual acquaintance, so in the best of circumstances it's a crap shoot.

On the upside, I guarantee what people are talking about after the party are not the two gifts that weren't fantastic, they're talking about that woman's awful behavior.

Passive-Aggressive Punctuation

What's with all the crazy punctuating these days? It's one thing to go a little overboard with your question marks and/or exclamation points when telling a story or relating an anecdote, it's quite another to starting flinging them around AT people.

When are you going to ________?????????

Why did you ______?????????

You need to ______!!!!!!!!

Or my very favorite, throwing in the fake "we" as in We need to _______!!!!!!!!! when the author has no intention of actually helping.

I'm sensing a little hostility.

Why not just be direct - "Hey stupid, when are you doing to get your sh#t together?

or

Why are you you such a screw up?

or

Get off you a$$ and do what I want you to do right now!!!

Of course, what would be even better if people could be nice AND direct.

Hey, do you think you could ______?

I was wondering if we'd ever tried ______?

You get the idea.

The bottom line is I am over the runaway punctuation and the next time someone starts throwing exclamation points at me I'm going to throw them back.

High Tech Gym

My gym has gone high tech.

Now instead of plastic membership cards we have a fingerprint scanner. You register a phone number that gets tied to your fingerprint and you're good to go. I'm sure it will save them tons of money somehow and it is really cool. (For the record, I have no problem with the whole fingerprint thing.) What I can't get over is, regardless of long-term cost savings, how expensive the initial system is juxtaposed with the fact that it usually takes me at least three tries to find a fully-functioning treadmill.

I'm just sayin'..............

Annoying Words

Cougar. I have come to hate the word. It's like nails on a chalkboard to me, but yesterday I ran across the most egregious use of the word, so far.

The term, when used in its original context is annoying enough. But, I can handle it with it refers to women over 40 with a prurient and predatory interest in men in their 20s. I find it annoying when it is applied to any woman dating a younger man, no matter who small age difference. Referring to Eva Longoria as a cougar when she started dating Tony Parker (7 year age difference) was eye roll inducing. Seriously, she was what, 32, when they got married? Cougar? I think not.

Referring to any single woman over 40 as cougar is offensive (from my perspective as a single woman over 40). However, calling 20 year old Taylor Swift a cougar for dating 18 year old Taylor Lautner is ridiculous. Yes, you read that correctly, in issue #1082/1083 - December 25, 2009/January 1, 2010 (double issue) Entertainment Weekly deemed Taylor Swift "the cougar in the relationship" when discussing the two Taylors relationship. {Yes, I know, old news - I'm behind on my reading.}

Deeming a 20 year old a cougar is a pretty good indication that it's time to retire this stupid term.

The Great Divide

The shortest distance between two points is a straight line, right? But what is the largest distance between two points? I know. I discovered the largest chasm in the universe; the seemingly insurmountable distance between the sink and the dishwasher. There must be some kind of evil worm hole that exists within this space. How else can you explain otherwise fully-functional adults being completely incapable of moving dirty dishes from the sink to the dishwasher? Instead they leave them in the sink, usually food encrusted, for magical faeries to transport through the evil worm hole. And, it's not just at home, the same phenomenon is alive and well at the office. I am happy to report that there are a couple of other people at the office who also appear to be immune to the effects of the evil worm hole.

Is there a kitchen worm hole in your world?

Armagedeon

I've been hearing rumors and seeing little signs that it's coming. First leggings came back, not necessarily a bad thing, but as I feared, they brought some of their less attractive friends. Shoulder pads starting showing up, then the neon colors, and now this:

Yep, those are snakeskin leggings, shiny, neon yellow snakeskin leggings. Confirmation. I have seen the fourth horseman of the Apocalypse. It's true - 80's fashion is back.

But, I'm on to you, 80's fashion. You suckered me in the last time, but I have the pictures. They expose your lies. They show the truth. You are not good. You are bad, very, very bad. And you will not trick me again.

Gym Floor Fashion

My approach to workout wear can be summed up by the three Cs - Clean, Covered and Comfortable, so I make no claims at being a gym fashionista. After some recent sightings I feel compelled to make a few suggestions.

Things NOT to wear when working out at the gym:

1) Cowboy boots. I know we're in Texas, but cowboy boots just look silly when you're using the weight machines.

2) False eye lashes (yeah...false eyelashes at the gym...every day)

3) Hoop earrings big enough to double as bracelets, for members of the WWF

4) Aqua socks, especially the ones with the little toes. They're just creepy. Put on some shoes.

5) Skirts. Yes, those cute new running skirts are all the rage. And, if you want to wear them running, more power to you. But, may I suggest that the weight room is not place for a skirt. Some of those machines contort one into interesting positions not really conducive to wearing a skirt. Of course you (and you know who you are) may not care considering you did that old P.E. standby "The Mountain Climber" in the middle of the workout room in your skirt. (Seriously, I have now seen you at an angle that should be reserved for the man in your life and your gynecologist and no, the matching bloomers didn't excuse it.) {For those of your unfamiliar with the mountain climber, think an aerobic version of Yoga's downward facing dog.}

And while we're talking about what you should wear, can I add shorts that cover ALL of your butt. I don't care how rockin' your body is, I don't want to look at your cheeks hanging out of the bottom of your "shorts".

Anyway, just a few suggestions.....